Don't let those arches wilt like a flower in the sun.

I don’t mean to give you too much information, or maybe I do, but one day when I was 12 or 13 I was just sitting around drinking Dr. Thunder like usual, watching “Dumb and Dumber” when all of a sudden I got it in my head to start playing with scissors.

There I was, chugging Thundies, using the scissors to idly clip my eyebrows. No, I don’t know why. If I knew why I’d probably be a completely different person—maybe even a homeowner!—without a terrifying amount of credit card debt.

But alas I am just me: a weird, often sweaty, patchy-browed American womanish thing. Because what happened was the brows never fully grew back. I still have sparse little brow areas that I obsessively shade in every morning before I leave for second breakfast.

With summer upon us, brow preservation is paramount. Here are a few tips and tricks to keeping up some semblance of an illusion that you are a normal being with human eyebrows.

1.Brush ‘em up, color ‘em in

Using a brow pencil, I do the standard brush-grooming of the bald house centipedes I call eyebrows, careful to brush up and toward my respective temples to honor the arches and give an impression of order and hygiene. Then, using quick, light strokes I fill in the patches, trying to make the marks resemble the shape and shade of single hairs, repressing the shameful memory of that fateful and devastatingly idiotic day. I like this brush by Revlon on account of it’s not that expensive.

2.Make it gel

Even if you don’t use a pencil, at least use a brush and a gel. Gel works pretty heroically to keep your brow hairs at least brushed and respectable. Even if you’re a patch-hole like me, you’ll be surprised at how much a good brushing and gelling keeps your brows at a good baseline of acceptability. But! Your situation is only improved with a good combo of brush, gel and pencil. Set it. Forget it.

3.Speaking of setting it

Invest in a setting powder. This’ll work hard for you all summer for your whole face, including your brows. This translucent formula won’t interfere with your penciling and gelling. It’ll only bring it all closer together. This routine works so well for me I’m almost glad I cut off my eyebrows. Almost.

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