You heard that right.

The moment I knew that my boyfriend was someone special was our second date. He had suggested getting soup dumplings in Chinatown on a snowy Sunday, and we were shocked at how empty the streets were. There was no wait for dim sum, and no wait at the impossible-to get-into-speakeasy next door. We asked a bored bartender what the deal was.

“It’s the Super Bowl,” he said, while shaking some concoction that probably had liquid smoke and mezcal.

“Ooooohhhhhhhh,” we both said. Then we looked at each other, and promptly fell in love. Because neither of us cared, or even knew. I don’t get the Super Bowl and I likely never will. What do I get? Lady Gaga. Beyonce. Halftime shows. Various layered dips. But usually you can’t have the above without the football part. Or at least, not until now. I say, throw a damn halftime party show party. Throw a Super Bowl commercial party.

Here are some tips on how to either throw an epic halftime show party, OR attend a Super Bowl party without feeling confused about all the balls and cheering.

Justin CD

Invite your true friends

You know, the other people who don’t care. The worst thing would be inviting someone who actually wanted to watch the football, showed up, and did not understand that the football is not happening. Maybe make sure the invite is full of Justin Timberlake puns and references, and anyone who is not there for it can cry you a river (see what I did there?). Maybe some Pink references too, since you know you’ll be watching her belt the National Anthem. Sending out an all caps group text with “NO FOOTBALL” could bring the point home too.

Social Sabotage

Do something off during the football

Yep, sorry. Not that kind of party. For the periods of time where cool new commercials or the halftime show aren’t happening, plan a few fun games to play. Karaoke is always a great choice,or how about a totally awkward and inappropriate card game?

 Uniquely J Crisps

Serve unconventional snacks

Let’s get fancy, shall we? There is NOTHING wrong with an open bag of Doritos, but this isn’t a Super Bowl Party. Try some crisps in unusual flavors like Uniquely J Fig & Olive with a spread of brie, and cut up fruit. Everyone loves little bowls of stuff, so fill a few with olives, wasabi peas, or chocolate covered pretzels. 

LaCroix

Create a non-football theme 

90s cartoon throwback? Kim K and Kanye? Exclusively JNCO jeans and Hot Topic tees? Come up with a theme that is so far from the usual football jerseys and team logos, your friends will wonder what Super Bowl Sunday even means. Dress like a can of LaCroix? Go nuts, get creative. Just no sports. NO SPORTS.

Make a rule of no cheering

Because cheering is lame. At least at this party.

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